A man goes out on the town one evening and proceeds to get rather drunk. After picking up a girl, they end up at his place having sex after quite a few more drinks. Halfway through, he shouts "dam baby you have the smallest tits and tightest pussy of anyone I have ever fucked". She turned and looked at him and said "get off my back you drunk bastard".
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" she said. "Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you." "Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..." "At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it." "I've already said NO, and NO is final!" "Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob." At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
What Is The Difference Between A Girl Friend & Motor Bike. Motorbike Is First Kicked & Then Used, While A Girlfriend Is First Used & Then Kicked.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb, and one of them calls 911... Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb." Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?" Blonde: "Yes." Operator: "The power in the house in on?" Blonde: "Of course." Operator: "And the switch is on?" Blonde: "Yes, yes." Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?" Blonde: "No, it's working fine." Operator: "Then what's the problem?" Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves."
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Every afternoon after work, a group of local guys would meet at the neighborhood bar for a little pool and a few beers. Undoubtedly, somehow the subject always came up about which guy had the longest penis. Day in and day out the bartender overheard these braggarts and frankly it got a little boring. One day, the bartender had heard the same old exaggerations once too many and he said, "All right, enough of this bullshit. I want each and every one of you to stand up here at the bar and I'm going to personally measure each of you and just MAYBE we can put a stop to all this crap." Well, they all gathered around the bar, unzipped and laid it out there to be measured. Just then, the door opens and in the blast of sunlight stands a gay guy. The bartender looks up and says, "Can I help you?" The gay man takes a look at the line-up and says, "Well, I was going to get a cocktail, but I think I'll just have the buffet."